Monday, February 21, 2011

#39 Shame

I have a confession... I joined Twitter

If we were to have this conversation in person, it would go something like this...

Me: "I have something I need to tell you."
You: "What?"
Me: "You can't mock me for this ok?"
You: "I won't."
Me: (Spoken really really fast) "I joined Twitter the other day so I can get updates on a celebrity!!!"

But seriously, who does that? Am I a freak? I have to be honest, I get excited when I get notifications of a new tweet. I never thought I would join Twitter, it's so strange to see updates of people who are so far removed from you. 

I know I know, I've degraded myself as a person, I've stooped a new low, I've shamed myself and my family. I've lost all respect from my peers, I've probably been crossed off my father's will... wait... I think there's a new tweet... brb

Friday, February 18, 2011

#38 The great wall of Leeroy

It's interesting when certain things come up at the same time and it seems to be the message for the week (whether you believe in God or some higher source or just fate or the 'gods'). Sometimes it seems like 'they' are trying to tell you something, or reveal something that you need to know. 

This week it seems 'they' are telling me it's time to let my guard down. "You're walls have been up for too long and you are going to make your fear of being alone a reality". It was something my counselor said to me last night and something a friend said to me today - and I feel it too. I feel that it is time to start taking down my walls. Otherwise I will be alone and I will be that island that I never wanted to be, and lets be honest, we aren't getting any younger. 

Here's a little list I need to remind myself:

- not everyone is an asshole
- not everyone is out to ruin me
- not everyone hates me
- not everyone thinks I am a failure
- not everyone views me the way I view myself

These thoughts come from past traumas and wrong childhood conclusions. A wise man I know says 'children are excellent recorders, but terrible interpreters' - he is spot on. It's like every trauma or wrong childhood conclusion is a brick, or sometimes they are many bricks, that will make a barricade for protection. Only truth can take a brick down, otherwise you will keep building that wall. And let me tell you, the Great Wall of Leeroy is so big and high, no one could ever break through.

I am so scared to trust people, to let my guard down and be vulnerable. It scares me so much. I can be confident, I can speak to a crowd, I could confront a stranger, I could sing and make a complete idiot of myself, I can be honest about my life and tell my testimony. But to let someone into my life and be a part of my life... well that is a whole different story. You see, when your walls are up you are weary of people, suspicious even - not all the time though. I don't want to sound like I am walking around in fear of everyone I see or ever talk to because that is not true - in fact I am great at talking to people on a surface level AND on a deeper level. I am currently trying to figure out how I am going to start taking these walls down, brick by brick. It's going to hurt too. Each brick is damn heavy and when the wind blows through the gap it doesn't feel very nice at all. If only I was the first pig, straw is so much easier to get rid of than brick. 

Fences are good, it deters thieves and weirdos and you can still see the sky. A brick box is not good, because you are the only one in there and there is never any sun. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

#37 Titillating no talk

Things unsaid can be so titillating. I'm not talking about things that annoy you or things you are upset about. I'm talking about things that would be slightly awkward to say. There are a couple of people I want to say things to, but because of certain situations ... I can't. 

To person number one I would like to say...

"I think you are great. I look forward to seeing you and when I don't, it's kind of gutting. I like your mannerisms, your quirks, your smile. I want hang out with you, I want to know more. If I could take away all the suffering you have endured I would. At the moment you are in my thoughts and I like the daydream. I know it's silly and nothing will ever come of it but I still like entertaining the idea. And when it stops being entertaining that will be ok too. But in the meantime if you could just instigate a reason to hang out that would really make my week." 

To person number 2 I would say...

"I wish you were here so we could see each other more. So we could talk about this more, but it seems kind of pointless at this stage. I do think about you, but I try not to. I would love to hang out and see where it goes, because you do mean something to me even if I don't want to admit it. You can't deny our past and what it means to both of us. I've never really thought about it but it really does mean a lot to me. You mean a lot to me. Love is a strange thing, and I'm not sure what kind of love it is. I hope you are happy, that's the most important thing to me." 

These two little speeches have recently been floating around in my head. Maybe I should just shut them up... but as I said, I find it titillating. It doesn't happen very often but sometimes the light headed feeling is worth the daydream.

It's probably time to click my heels three times now...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

#36 Groove

nouna longnarrow cut or depression, esp. one made to guide motion or receive a corresponding ridge.• a spiral track cut in a phonograph record, into which the stylus fits.• Climbing an indentation where two planes of rock meet at an angle of more than 120°.an established routine or habit his thoughts were slipping into a familiargroove.
informal a rhythmic pattern in popular or jazz music the groove laid down by the drummer and bassist is tough and funky

If I had to choose which one of those options described my life for the past several years I would like to say number 3 - unfortunately it's number 2. "His thoughts were slipping into a familiar groove" ... how interesting the dictionary chose that as an example, because my thoughts have been slipping into a familiar groove, an unhealthy groove, a groove of foul thinking and messed up misbeliefs... and it kills my mood, my inspiration, my zest for life if you will. I have been trying to create new grooves, change my stink thinking to healthy thinking, and let me tell you, it is so hard to change "an established routine or habit", but it is possible. I know it is possible because I have changed some of my stinky thinking and I am better for it. I am freer in that area, not irrational and not emotional. Freedom is great motivation. 

I had my first counseling session for the year tonight and it was great. On the drive I had no idea where it would go, to be honest I couldn't be bothered going. I know my mind had been slipping into my unhealthy grooves and I was swimming in my own created cesspool of shitty thinking - but I wanted/needed help to get out of it... again. I was going to call this post 'repeatometer', as I constantly feel like my life is full of repeats. I repeat songs, I repeat behaviours and actions that I 
don't want to, basically I feel like a walking, living repeatometer. And that my friend, is an example of my stupid  thinking, because if I am thinking that I am a walking, living repeatometer, I am also thinking that since that's what I am, I have no hope in changing. Which is a lie. There is always hope, and there is always hope to change. We are the deciders of our paths, no one else. If you want it, come and get it, cos' no ones going to give it to you on a silver platter. 

Within this stinky thinking is the thought that I am alone, there is no one else who feels the same. And I know that can't be true, because I'm not actually that special, I'm just like everyone else (that doesn't mean I'm not significant, there is a difference). If this isn't making any sense it all started in my post there is nothing wrong with me.

I guess what I really want to say is:

be encouraged
we can create new grooves
you are not alone
you can do this
you are not alone
you are not alone
you are not alone.