#19 Toast to a new friend

I made a new friend this week. She is down to earth, witty and just plain nice. The thing that floored me the most was her honesty. She confided about her life and it has been a hard road, yet she is still standing. She has inspired me. When someone can stay human, humble and still have motivation for life despite circumstances that would make some crumble, we need to celebrate them. So I would like to make a toast to your strength and your character. You know who you are.

#18 Days like these

I do stupid things all the time, things I am not proud of. The thing is, I have this annoying trait of basing my value on the things I do, so when I make bad decisions I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. I whip myself (metaphorically), make myself pay penance, so I can atone for what I have done. If I could hit my head against a brick wall several times without permanent damage or scarring I would. 

I've been told this sort of thinking and behaviour is not very helpful. I know this, and I tell people who do this not to do it. I know I can never atone for anything I have done or will do, and I just can't get my head around it. How can 'it' all be atoned for? How can grace cover everything. It's crazy, the concept is so hard to grasp. Why did He do it? For me? For you? Why am I and you so special? Why does He love me when I have done so many things that are bad? I have spat in His face, said His creation (me) is ugly, worthless, a waste of space, a waste of time. And yet He would do it all again (not that He has to). 

'My performance says nothing about my essential value as a person. My value can only come from the fact that I am wanted and loved by the Father.'

On days like these that is the truth I hold on to. I hold on to it for dear life, because if I don't, I know I won't exist. 

#17 Dead in the water

What's the point? That is a question a friend asked me tonight. What's the point of what? Of life I suppose, the point of doing, of trying, of accomplishing. Why bother if we are all going to die and leave it all behind. I've asked myself the same question. What the hell is the point of this, study, work, living. It's all the same, paying rent, paying bills, buying petrol, buying groceries, sleeping, eating, driving to work, meeting people who will let you down. 


I think there is a point in there somewhere. There HAS to be a point otherwise we are all mistakes and it becomes pointless trying to find the point in the first place... dead in the water basically. Materially we do leave everything behind, but I don't think we leave ourselves behind, unfortunately I believe we are going to be with 'ourselves' forever, but not BY ourselves (and by unfortunate I mean it is unfortunate if you don't particularly like yourself, but great if you do). So I think the 'point' is that we become people who we like and are proud to be. I think that is the journey, to learn to truly love ourselves, because we can't love others if we hate ourselves - and loving others is another point. Easier said than done especially if life has been hard for you. I believe there is a Father who is the essence of love, the creator of love. Some might call him God, Ala, or a Higher Source, I call Him Father, and I call His Son Jesus. I guess I am reluctant to reveal this information because of the connotations, and I always like to make a disclaimer, for example:


- I don't hate people who are attracted to the same sex, I couldn't care less. More than anything I admire their courage.
- I try my hardest to not be a hypocrite or judgmental. 
- I do not support street evangelism, seriously I'm just trying to eat my lunch, leave me alone, and stop yelling at me. 
- Door knockers, go away.
- I have never forced my beliefs on anyone and never will.
- I am not religious, meaning I don't do things because I have to, I'm the boss of my own being so I do things because I want to.


There are other things I could add but I can't think of anymore right now. Anyway the reason I bring all this up is because love is not all around, and the only way we can ever really learn to love ourselves is if we are constantly told we are loved, that we are significant, that we are worth something. And I don't think any of my friends have the time or energy to tell me that ten times a day. To be honest, when someone says something like that to me my automatic reaction is to not believe it, because I have all this knowledge about myself that they don't know and if they did they probably wouldn't say it. So I put it aside and maybe look at it now and then. But if they made a giant mural telling me how much they love me I think I would eventually believe them. Grand gestures... it's all about grand gestures - and He made the biggest grand gesture of them all. So the point is we need to be close to a source of love, and you can't get any better than 'LOVE' itself. The Father really is love, ignore all the idiots who depict otherwise, it makes me sick and extremely angry some of the things people have done in the name of 'God'. 


Lyrics I like and relate to:

The world is too big to never ask why,

the answers don't fall straight out of the sky.

I've been fighting to live and feel alive,

but I can't feel a thing without you by my side.

Not sure if this has made any sense. To summarise I think the point of life is to grow into the person we were born to be, and all the monotonous things of life are there to help us become, and basically I can't do that without a little help.

#16 Solo

Tonight I went to the movies by myself. I've been wanting to see a movie for ages - which sounds strange but movies are expensive, and I forgot how much I enjoy doing things alone sometimes. The first movie I saw by myself I remember vividly, dad dropped me off and I was ready to explain to anyone I saw that I was in fact meeting some friends, the movie was Anaconda, probably J-lo's best film to date. 


Anyway, I parked down this street I don't know and walked down Queen St, got my ticket, sat down and waited for the lights to fade. Because I was feeling slightly insecure when I walked into the theatre, I quickly sat down and said 'Hi' to the guy next to me kind of making a big show of it as if I knew him... he ignored me. The movie was hardly inspirational but I really enjoyed the walk back to the car, it was probably the highlight of the night. Just watching everyone, listening to the lady 'preaching' or yelling into the mic about how man must repent, seeing all these people busying themselves with their lives - I find it strangely titillating. I guess I feel like I lose myself in the crowd, I become just another person among the lights, it's a nice change from my constant self analysis. And no, I won't tell you what movie I saw :).

#15 SMM

She's one of my favourites. My oldest and dearest friend, talented and intelligent. She constantly surprises and inspires me. A true friend.

#14 Teenagers need a smack

I was sitting outside today on my lunch break and overheard the most disgusting potty mouths - coming from four foot 13 year olds. That is one thing I dislike about school holidays, rude foul mouth arrogant teenagers wrecking havoc instore. It's bad enough we have to tidy up after them and listen to some of the stupidest conversations I have ever heard but the foul language on top of that? Yuck. 


Eg.

"That f**king bus driver charged me f**king 10 cents more 'cos I didn't have my ID, what a f**king asshole."
"F**k him, what a f**k wit."


"Oh my gosh, have you seen Vanessa lately? She is such a try hard, high wasted shorts just make her look fat."

Grow up.

And for goodness sake, put some clothes on girls! It's not right seeing young girls dressed like skankies in a Chingy video, it doesn't look cool, it looks like you are waiting in vain for puberty. Spread the word, less is not more in this case, cover up, it worked for Michael Jackson and the least you could do is pay your respects to the King of Pop. Sometimes a sheet wrapped around your body is more appropriate than a boob tube and denim knickers - especially when you are doing the loops around the mall. 


That's all.

#13 He's my dad

This post is for my dad. It may be cheesy and melodramatic but who cares. Life is short and I'm not ashamed to say I love my dad heaps and heaps. He is a great guy, and although I may be bias, he is pretty well rounded. He has been through a shite load in his life and has turned out very balanced. He cares deeply for this family and children and there isn't anything he wouldn't do for them. He also looks 15 years younger than what he is so thanks for the good genes dad!


I had a really bad car accident at the end of 2007 on my way to Kaiteri. I was about 50 mins from my destination when these bloody tourists stepped out in front of my car. I was driving 100k when I hit the guy and needless to say the car was completely written off - he survived with a few missing teeth and a broken leg which is a miracle, I gave him the best story of his life. Anyway, so I'm 5 hours away from Christchurch, in the middle of nowhere, no car, all my stuff is IN my car and nowhere to go. And you know what? Dad says he will come and get me (also it's Christmas eve) and it's about 5.30pm. Long story short, Dad picks me up in Murchison five hours later, and takes me back to my flat in Chch, driving the 5 hours back. We arrive 3am Christmas morning - he even shouts me Burger King. I don't know what you think of that story but man, it moves me, and that's my dad... selfless and amazing. I am incredibly lucky.


Dad is a constant in my life and I know I would not be who I am today without his love and consistent support. He's my go to person when I need advice - he has given me priceless advice on how to deal with idiots. I owe so much to my dad, words don't really describe how much he means to me. I love you dad. 


BTW: I know not everyone gets on with their dad or their dad may not be here and this isn't here to make anyone feel bad - if it's any consolation I haven't seen my mother for nine years and we don't really have a relationship.