#45 Frustration station

What do you do when what you're doing is not what you want to do anymore?

I'm in a really strange space at the moment. The things I really cared about I don't really care about anymore. I just don't care anymore, and I don't know what to do. I look around my room, think about my life and go "What the hell am I doing? Who are you?" I haven't lost myself, I just don't have any time to think and do the things that really matter to me. My room is a mess and I feel like a mess.

I miss spending time with the Father (aka God). He is the only certain thing I know. I'm just ready to give up everything I have done up here. None of that crap really matters in the end. It's not as if I am going to bring my CV to Heaven, but I will be bringing myself, so I kind of want to like myself if you know what I mean.

I want to scream and run away, throw my hands in the air and drive. I am over it.
Since that is not even an option, I am going to have a massive clean of my room and chuck some of the junk away. Less is more. Maybe then I will be able to think, and stop thinking about the stuff that is getting me down.

I am so frustrated at the moment, something is nipping at my heels and I don't know why or what it is.

Time to vacuum.

#44 Flatlining

Day off today, and I have no energy to do anything. The curtains are open though, and I have gone outside. I guess that is progress. Nearly had a break down yesterday morning, it's difficult getting back to normalcy.

This is a bit of a nothing post, but I thought if I'm not talking much (unless it's about work), writing is a good replacement. Even when I do talk I sound like an idiot. My sentences aren't coming out properly. The lack of sleep doesn't help, I can't seem to get to sleep before 1am, last night it was 2.30am.

There was an old lady waiting at a pedestrian crossing yesterday, I didn't stop for her, I couldn't.

I know everyones reaction to death is different. This one for me... well, I'm not sure what's going on.

I am a Richter Scale, that's currently flatlining.

#43 Open spaces

Nana died on the 3^rd of June 2011. It has not been easy. It hasn’t felt real and when it does it is almost too hard to bear. She’s not the first person I know who has died, but that doesn’t make it any easier. How you do carry on? What are you supposed to do? How do you deal with it? You carry on because you really have no choice. You do what you are supposed to do, and for me, that is work. How do you deal with it? I really don’t know at this stage. When my friend committed suicide years ago, a close friend of mine took me under his wing and looked after me. He took me out for coffee, movies, and forced me to be around people. I visited his grave a lot, cried a lot, and was basically a zombie for a good while. I did what I had to do to get through it. But I am a lot older now and some of those things I did I don’t really want to do again – it would be more destructive than anything.

I am currently on the plane back home; it’s 8:30pm and dark. We had to board through the entrance at the back of the plane and to get there you have to walk across the runway. The open space of the runway looked so peaceful - a big open space with nothing for miles. I just wanted to stare at it.

I don’t want walls, I don’t want electricity, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want clutter, I don’t want people, I don’t want the chores of life, I don’t really want to do anything. I just want a vast open space where nothing happens, where there is just land and sky.

When I think about it, I just want heaven.

I miss you Nana. You will always be missed and in our memories. You are one of the kindest, selfless, gracious, beautiful, most generous people I know. It truly has been a privilege having you in my life.

"The Lord is my Shepherd and I want to follow,

wherever he leads me, wherever He goes.

Over the mountains, the waters and byways,

valleys and highways, He’s waiting for me.

I want to go to meet Him there,

to lay myself down in His arms.

The Lord is my Shepherd, and I want to follow,

wherever he leads me, wherever He goes."