Friday, February 18, 2011

#38 The great wall of Leeroy

It's interesting when certain things come up at the same time and it seems to be the message for the week (whether you believe in God or some higher source or just fate or the 'gods'). Sometimes it seems like 'they' are trying to tell you something, or reveal something that you need to know. 

This week it seems 'they' are telling me it's time to let my guard down. "You're walls have been up for too long and you are going to make your fear of being alone a reality". It was something my counselor said to me last night and something a friend said to me today - and I feel it too. I feel that it is time to start taking down my walls. Otherwise I will be alone and I will be that island that I never wanted to be, and lets be honest, we aren't getting any younger. 

Here's a little list I need to remind myself:

- not everyone is an asshole
- not everyone is out to ruin me
- not everyone hates me
- not everyone thinks I am a failure
- not everyone views me the way I view myself

These thoughts come from past traumas and wrong childhood conclusions. A wise man I know says 'children are excellent recorders, but terrible interpreters' - he is spot on. It's like every trauma or wrong childhood conclusion is a brick, or sometimes they are many bricks, that will make a barricade for protection. Only truth can take a brick down, otherwise you will keep building that wall. And let me tell you, the Great Wall of Leeroy is so big and high, no one could ever break through.

I am so scared to trust people, to let my guard down and be vulnerable. It scares me so much. I can be confident, I can speak to a crowd, I could confront a stranger, I could sing and make a complete idiot of myself, I can be honest about my life and tell my testimony. But to let someone into my life and be a part of my life... well that is a whole different story. You see, when your walls are up you are weary of people, suspicious even - not all the time though. I don't want to sound like I am walking around in fear of everyone I see or ever talk to because that is not true - in fact I am great at talking to people on a surface level AND on a deeper level. I am currently trying to figure out how I am going to start taking these walls down, brick by brick. It's going to hurt too. Each brick is damn heavy and when the wind blows through the gap it doesn't feel very nice at all. If only I was the first pig, straw is so much easier to get rid of than brick. 

Fences are good, it deters thieves and weirdos and you can still see the sky. A brick box is not good, because you are the only one in there and there is never any sun. 

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