#51 I can't get no...

This week has been one of 'those' weeks. I've had many many moments of wanting to strangle people, quit what I'm doing and go overseas. It wasn't so much FML moments, more FTW moments. I'm glad to say I don't feel like that right now - which is good. What do you do when nothing makes you feel better? I felt so trapped in my life this week, nothing could make it better. All I wanted to do was sleep. I need to be creative, I currently do nothing creative. Go to work, eat dinner, sleep, go to work. It's so bloody mundane. The 9 to 5 is complete shit. And it's been more 9am to 10pm in the last few weeks. I know I am a spoilt adult with all the luxuries the western world provides - and I am completely unsatisfied. 

I have no time to sit, think and reflect, which is something I must do or else it starts to build up, and this week has been proof. I nearly threw it all away. 

It's funny knowing God. Once you have met Him, experienced His love, heard Him speak - there is just no turning back. I will admit I have spent jack all time with Him recently, and it has not been the time of my life. I know He is the be all, end all. He really is. Yet I shy away from Him... mostly in shame and unworthiness if I'm going to be honest. 

Something I have realised this week. I am a creative being that needs to be doing just that. Working for the man sucks the life out of you. I've had echoes this week of that verse I've heard so much throughout my life, "what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?" I have definitely been hurting my soul and I am feeling it now. 

I need to do something about it, about all of it. It's time to wake up. 

#50 Shame again

On the way home today, I did a dance move in the car and realised these teenagers two lanes across from me saw it. They laughed and stared at me the whole way home. Luckily the windows were up and they couldn't hear what I was listening to - almost unbearable to even think about. Probably the most embarrassed I have been in a long time...


Please God don't let them come into work.

#49 Thanks a lot Woody

I watched 'Vicky Christina Barcelona' recently and it got me thinking about relationships. I know 'Christina' the character, I know what it feels like to be constantly searching and never satisfied. And then I'm familiar with Vicky's character too. Experiencing something that makes you question the things you thought you always wanted. It's an interesting premise, and a disturbing one. I guess that's what makes it a good film - the fact I'm still thinking about it. I kind of wish I never saw it. Because now I'm thinking am I always going to be dissatisfied? Constantly wanting the unobtainable?

I will admit I always think the grass is greener, that maybe over that hill things will be better. I think that is also a good thing - it means there is always hope. I know that things can be better and will get better. I guess there needs to be a balance, as the saying goes 'you don't know what you've got till it's gone'. It's all cliches and stereotypes, and it's all true. How frustrating! Everything has been thought and felt before!

Well, what do they say? What is their advice? I know I'm going to forget about this movie, and these feelings it has provoked. Maybe the sooner the better? I hate not having answers. But deep down I know the answer starts and ends with the Father.

#48 Thank you

It has been a year since Abbotsford was birthed and it has been interesting. I started this 'blog' as a means of staying accountable to who I am and what I am about, and I think I have been true to my mission. I have written things I felt were true for me at the time, and now, not so true. But that was the whole point, journaling thoughts, feelings and truths.

I don't know if many even read Abbotsford, but for those who do, I would like to say thank you. I hope you have found it in some way encouraging - even if some posts were depressing. I enjoy sharing and being honest and I hope you have been encouraged that maybe 'you're not the only one'.

Take care whoever you are. Life can be hard, but in some way, we're all in this together.

We are all in this together.

- L

#47 Christian hipsters

What's up? Too concerned with being cool, not so concerned with being dicks. Always have to know the latest fad, always have to follow it. Nothing original, nothing new. Just the same paper thin opinions that is motivated by extreme low self esteem. Lots of information, no action. Lots of talk, no action. Always cliquey, always shallow. Always about intellect, not love. The world shows more love, understanding and support. You try so hard not to be a cliche Christian but you end up being just like everyone else. I'm not interested. Never was and never will be. It's not what the Father's about. Wake up. Grow up.