#54 Reflecting on 2011

At the end of every year, I like to reflect on the year passed and figure out what I learnt, the mistakes I made, the successes, and if in general it was enjoyable (and if not, why).

Rereading my post Tall Poppies, I did work at my career and have moved forward in it. I worked extremely hard, sacrificed time with friends and sleep, too much looking back now. I don't really regret it, as it's given me choices, but I do wish I spent more time with the people who mean a lot to me.

I said I was going to work hard at my writing. Unfortunately I didn't do any writing apart from this blog. I do regret that. The longer you don't write, the harder it is to get back into it. If only it was as easy as 'getting back on the bike'.

I also said I was going to work hard at my relationship with the Father. But alas, that also didn't happen, and a huge regret there.

Do I think last year was a failure? No. I learnt so much last year about myself, was pushed so far beyond anything I have ever experienced before - I'm talking about my work, but that seeps into so many aspects of your character. I have changed and grown up so much in the last year and you can't regret that. I understand more about God (I think, time will tell), and I know now what I am capable of. Dare I say, I think if I really wanted to, I could accomplish my dreams. Just have to keep trucking forward.

So again no, I'm not making new years resolutions this year. I have desires this year and I feel I should share them here so next year I can do some reflection. The main ones are:

- Do some bloody writing
- Work on my relationship with the Father
- Join an agency, finish my acting course, and get some work
- Change something about my job
- Spend more time with my friends
- Save for an adventure

Are you determined in what you want to accomplish? Let's be determined together.

#53 Live like we're dying

I'm back to work this week after having a week off. Boy did I need a break - and it was amazing. I headed North on my lonesome, and had the best time I've had in a long time. I was very lucky as the weather was amazing, I read, swam, lay on the beach and slept. When I come to think of it, I haven't had a break like that for 3 years.

I went sailing. Those 3 words may not mean that much to you but I've wanted to go sailing ever since I saw the film 'White Squall', and that was over a decade ago. I have a thing for open spaces, I love sitting on hills, being on a boat and looking at a huge expanse of nothing, looking out the window of an airplane and seeing nothing by sky. It moves me. So being on a sail boat was extremely special for me, I got to sit on the wooden pole that hangs over the sea at the front of the boat (have no idea the proper name), ocean below my dangling feet, wind in my hair, slowly moving across the bay. If I had to sit there for the rest of my life I wouldn't complain.

It got me thinking... there is so much I want to do, and no reason why I can't do it. I'm scared of getting stuck. Countless people get stuck, and I can't, I won't. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself I won't. I know if I did, it would be a slow death, not physically of course, I mean my heart.

There is so much I want to do. They are dreams and aspirations, and I know I have to be realistic, but why can't I do them all? And I think it's time I started on those things. Maybe I have, only hindsight will tell. I don't take things like this for granted, I know not everyone can go off and do what they want for many many reasons. But for me, at this time in my life, I have nothing holding me back. It's time I started preparing myself for an adventure. Maybe it's post holiday excitement talking, but I don't think so. Something inside me changed when I was away and it's here to stay. I had this feeling when I decided to move up here, and it's a similar feeling.

I did the Myers Briggs personality test the other week, turns out I'm 'The Idealist'. It was bang on and very very helpful.

So the plan is to stay here for another year, save money, finish my acting course and leave New Zealand.

Life really is too short. I know I sound like I'm trying to live out the cliched 'American Dream'. I'm not I assure you, I know enough about it to know it's unattainable. I'm just trying to live.

Happy New Year!

- The Idealist.

#52 Rush

Had a great workshop tonight at my acting course. It was such a rush. It makes me realise acting is what gets my juices flowing, it scares me, it excites me. It really is what I want to do. I know there won't always be moments when a scene is like that, but boy when it is... exhilarating. It wasn't an intense scene, as in crying and screaming... just a good scene.

Oh Meisner you are a genius!

#51 I can't get no...

This week has been one of 'those' weeks. I've had many many moments of wanting to strangle people, quit what I'm doing and go overseas. It wasn't so much FML moments, more FTW moments. I'm glad to say I don't feel like that right now - which is good. What do you do when nothing makes you feel better? I felt so trapped in my life this week, nothing could make it better. All I wanted to do was sleep. I need to be creative, I currently do nothing creative. Go to work, eat dinner, sleep, go to work. It's so bloody mundane. The 9 to 5 is complete shit. And it's been more 9am to 10pm in the last few weeks. I know I am a spoilt adult with all the luxuries the western world provides - and I am completely unsatisfied. 

I have no time to sit, think and reflect, which is something I must do or else it starts to build up, and this week has been proof. I nearly threw it all away. 

It's funny knowing God. Once you have met Him, experienced His love, heard Him speak - there is just no turning back. I will admit I have spent jack all time with Him recently, and it has not been the time of my life. I know He is the be all, end all. He really is. Yet I shy away from Him... mostly in shame and unworthiness if I'm going to be honest. 

Something I have realised this week. I am a creative being that needs to be doing just that. Working for the man sucks the life out of you. I've had echoes this week of that verse I've heard so much throughout my life, "what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?" I have definitely been hurting my soul and I am feeling it now. 

I need to do something about it, about all of it. It's time to wake up. 

#50 Shame again

On the way home today, I did a dance move in the car and realised these teenagers two lanes across from me saw it. They laughed and stared at me the whole way home. Luckily the windows were up and they couldn't hear what I was listening to - almost unbearable to even think about. Probably the most embarrassed I have been in a long time...


Please God don't let them come into work.