Saturday, January 8, 2011

#33 We were inseparable

I don't know if I should blog this, but I need to get this off my chest. I met up with a friend last night, a friend I haven't seen in 18 years. We used to be inseparable. We used to be best friends. We met when we were 5 and and slowly our lives became intertwined. Then she and her family moved to Sydney when we were 8. I was devastated to say the least. 

I wasn't anxious before we met up last night, more excited... and it was great. No awkward silences, no weirdness between us at all - although it was slightly strange to have her boyfriend there (he was really nice). We talked and laughed about our past and it was so nice to share and look back on our childhood together. We were always in competition with each other, we were both top of the class. I remember one year I won the main part for the school musical and it was my big debut, I loved it. Then the year after I half expected to be cast as the main character again. But no, she was... and I was furious. She got to play the star that showed the shepherds where Jesus was born and got to sing a pile of songs solo. I was born for that role! I couldn't believe it, I only got to sing two songs solo when I was center stage. And to top it off I was cast as an extra 'star' that did this stupid dance. I didn't even learn the dance properly - I couldn't be bothered. I can still remember jumping across the stage thinking this is the lamest play I've ever been in (I was 7 at the time). 

I don't know if this feeling was mutual, but there was so much I wanted to say, the subtext, I felt was thick. I have no idea at this stage what I wanted to say - what do you say to someone who was such a big part of your life? Someone who you told everything to, shared everything with, argued with, tried to stay away from but couldn't. I know we were young but we were advanced for our age. She told me when we were young we tried to hang out with other people, she tried playing barbie's with the girls and I tried playing trucks with the boys, apparently we didn't last very long. It was back to being her and I. 

Oh I don't know... I feel kind of sad and intrigued. She is amazing, intelligent, beautiful. I don't know what to call this feeling, I didn't expect to be feeling what I'm feeling and it's disconcerting. I can't deny we click and we like each other's company, I guess I am just mourning the fact that she lives across the Tasman... and has a boyfriend. Well, there's my answer then, she lives across the Tasman and has a boyfriend... she lives across the Tasman and has a boyfriend... 

and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. 


  1. (finally you've enabled comments! Thank you)
    Part of me that loves drama says 'follow your heart, let her know how you feel....' but then the rest of me; the best of me says - leave it "she lives across the Tasman and has a boyfriend... " - you believe in a God - so if it's easier to grasp leave it to him. I believe that most things that are 'meant' to happen will happen. And also that there is no such thing as a soul mate; there are many people in this world who will make us happy.

  2. You have to tell her how you feel or you will always be left wondering, what if. People living at ther ends of the world doesn't matter if you both want to make it work.
    You might be interested in my most recent blog post too- it's sort of relevant.
    Good luck.

  3. I love the drama part too Esther, but if I leave it I will never know. I used to believe if things were meant to happen will happen, but now... I'm not so sure. I think we need to be proactive (why did I just think of Jessica Simpson then?).

    Clare... the idea of saying something makes my stomach churn. I'm not good at things like this - but the notion of never knowing makes me feel more sick. (will check out your post!)