Friday, November 12, 2010

#22 It still hurts

I've been missing my family recently. There's no particular reason, it comes in waves. I've been having dreams about my family and my siblings. Dreams are great like that, you get to see people you don't get to see. 

Sometimes when I see mums around I automatically think "those kids are so lucky". I served this lady 5 weeks ago I think and she was so similar to my own mother it was very strange - she had similar features, long black hair, had a similar accent and mannerisms. It was really disconcerting. Part of me really liked serving and talking to her while the other part wanted to smack her in the head and scream "Why???". As much as I have worked through my mother issues through counseling and a lot of tears, it is still a sore spot. I guess I'm writing about it because I needed to vent. I get butterflies when caller ID says it's mum calling and the weak and shallow conversations we have I could do without - deep down I am glad she calls, just wish we had 'something' to talk about. It's this horrible discourse, I love her and want to know her VS I don't really know her and vice versa and there is too much to catch up on to even get to a normal mother and son relationship status. I have seen my mum 3 times in the last 20 years. She still asks me if I am studying and I finished my degree 2 years ago - and she doesn't have dementia just a bad case of vanity. It doesn't usually affect me, just sometimes. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't make me melancholic whenever I go round to friends houses and see the interaction with their mum. 
All this aside, I have a great dad and a great step mum and the coolest younger siblings. I don't focus on this part of my story, but I do know it's there and to ignore its reality would be damaging. 

What I have learned in my modest 26 years is that you must acknowledge you have mould on the cheese before you can remove it from the block - and sometimes getting that knife out of the drawer and putting it against the cheese takes a lot longer than you'd think or like it to. 

I've been holding the knife for years and I have no idea when I'm going to cut it out. 

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