I do stupid things all the time, things I am not proud of. The thing is, I have this annoying trait of basing my value on the things I do, so when I make bad decisions I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. I whip myself (metaphorically), make myself pay penance, so I can atone for what I have done. If I could hit my head against a brick wall several times without permanent damage or scarring I would.
I've been told this sort of thinking and behaviour is not very helpful. I know this, and I tell people who do this not to do it. I know I can never atone for anything I have done or will do, and I just can't get my head around it. How can 'it' all be atoned for? How can grace cover everything. It's crazy, the concept is so hard to grasp. Why did He do it? For me? For you? Why am I and you so special? Why does He love me when I have done so many things that are bad? I have spat in His face, said His creation (me) is ugly, worthless, a waste of space, a waste of time. And yet He would do it all again (not that He has to).
'My performance says nothing about my essential value as a person. My value can only come from the fact that I am wanted and loved by the Father.'
On days like these that is the truth I hold on to. I hold on to it for dear life, because if I don't, I know I won't exist.
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