#49 Thanks a lot Woody

I watched 'Vicky Christina Barcelona' recently and it got me thinking about relationships. I know 'Christina' the character, I know what it feels like to be constantly searching and never satisfied. And then I'm familiar with Vicky's character too. Experiencing something that makes you question the things you thought you always wanted. It's an interesting premise, and a disturbing one. I guess that's what makes it a good film - the fact I'm still thinking about it. I kind of wish I never saw it. Because now I'm thinking am I always going to be dissatisfied? Constantly wanting the unobtainable?

I will admit I always think the grass is greener, that maybe over that hill things will be better. I think that is also a good thing - it means there is always hope. I know that things can be better and will get better. I guess there needs to be a balance, as the saying goes 'you don't know what you've got till it's gone'. It's all cliches and stereotypes, and it's all true. How frustrating! Everything has been thought and felt before!

Well, what do they say? What is their advice? I know I'm going to forget about this movie, and these feelings it has provoked. Maybe the sooner the better? I hate not having answers. But deep down I know the answer starts and ends with the Father.

#48 Thank you

It has been a year since Abbotsford was birthed and it has been interesting. I started this 'blog' as a means of staying accountable to who I am and what I am about, and I think I have been true to my mission. I have written things I felt were true for me at the time, and now, not so true. But that was the whole point, journaling thoughts, feelings and truths.

I don't know if many even read Abbotsford, but for those who do, I would like to say thank you. I hope you have found it in some way encouraging - even if some posts were depressing. I enjoy sharing and being honest and I hope you have been encouraged that maybe 'you're not the only one'.

Take care whoever you are. Life can be hard, but in some way, we're all in this together.

We are all in this together.

- L

#47 Christian hipsters

What's up? Too concerned with being cool, not so concerned with being dicks. Always have to know the latest fad, always have to follow it. Nothing original, nothing new. Just the same paper thin opinions that is motivated by extreme low self esteem. Lots of information, no action. Lots of talk, no action. Always cliquey, always shallow. Always about intellect, not love. The world shows more love, understanding and support. You try so hard not to be a cliche Christian but you end up being just like everyone else. I'm not interested. Never was and never will be. It's not what the Father's about. Wake up. Grow up.

#46 Ghosts

Regret is an awful thing. I can't stand the feeling. I have several regrets so far, but you just have to move on. Otherwise they can be paralysing.

It is the anniversary of one of my regrets. It's only just hit me a couple of days ago and I've been thinking about it ever since. Ten years ago... around this time of year... I can't believe it's been ten years. I really can't. I would do anything to go back and fix what I did. To change my behaviour, to take back my actions and the stupid things I said. These last few days I have felt melancholic, still mourning after all these years...

Surely I'm not the only one who has felt like this. Tell me there are others out there...

#45 Frustration station

What do you do when what you're doing is not what you want to do anymore?

I'm in a really strange space at the moment. The things I really cared about I don't really care about anymore. I just don't care anymore, and I don't know what to do. I look around my room, think about my life and go "What the hell am I doing? Who are you?" I haven't lost myself, I just don't have any time to think and do the things that really matter to me. My room is a mess and I feel like a mess.

I miss spending time with the Father (aka God). He is the only certain thing I know. I'm just ready to give up everything I have done up here. None of that crap really matters in the end. It's not as if I am going to bring my CV to Heaven, but I will be bringing myself, so I kind of want to like myself if you know what I mean.

I want to scream and run away, throw my hands in the air and drive. I am over it.
Since that is not even an option, I am going to have a massive clean of my room and chuck some of the junk away. Less is more. Maybe then I will be able to think, and stop thinking about the stuff that is getting me down.

I am so frustrated at the moment, something is nipping at my heels and I don't know why or what it is.

Time to vacuum.