#56 Another Saturday night

I'm going to be completely honest in this post, not that I haven't been in past ones, just a bit more than usual.

Sam Cooke sings this song called 'Another Saturday Night', Cat Stevens did a cover of it. The lyrics go like this...

'Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody.
I got some money 'cos I just got paid,
and how I wish I had someone to talk to
I'm in an awful way.'

I joke to myself it's my theme song, because lately, Saturday nights I have been by myself, with no one to talk to. I know, where are the violins? But it's true, this is a bit of sad sack post I admit. But I'm feeling like a sad sack, and to be honest, Facebook is to blame. If I hadn't seen one of my besties posts this evening I wouldn't be feeling like a dick. He just posted this picture of him and his friends eating a meal together with the caption 'Having dinner with the gang etc'... clearly I wasn't in it as I'm at home alone blogging like a loner. Was just a bit of a slap in the face. I know there was no intention to do so, but still, feels like a bit of a blow. I will admit a lot of the time I feel like I have no friends.

It's hard to make friends as you get older. I'm 28 this year and the older I get, the harder it gets. Unless of course you are a boozer and you can just go out and get drunk with your work mates - which I'm not. I'm not one for shallow friendships, I like a bit of depth. And I will admit I don't really make an effort... not because I don't want to... my job is really full on and I get so tired and peopled out. Excuses excuses...

I really hate Facebook. It's not real. You can edit your life, which isn't real. You only load good pictures of yourself, good pictures of your holiday and life etc. People never post the bad stuff. Many times I've flicked through peoples overseas photos and thought, 'shit, my life sucks'. You never see them load pics of their credit card declining, the lack of money, job, break ups, friends etc. I could go deeper in this but I'm starting to bore myself.

Anyway, tonight I am feeling pretty lonely, like a loser with no friends. I think people look at me and my life and think it's pretty awesome. It's not, it's pretty normal, I'm pretty normal. I would like an invite to dinner now and then...

#55 Cloud 9

Last year at work I met a really nice customer and we started chatting about his job, and it turned out he was the head of an independent publishing house in Sydney. I told him I did a bit of writing etc etc. Long story short, he said I was welcome to send some of my writing and he would give me some feedback - that in itself is huge and flattering. To be honest I didn't think much would come of it (deep down all aspiring writers don't have a lot of hope any of their work will actually get published, that's why we blog) and of course I lost his business card. 


I do the admin for my work Facebook page, and the man, let's call him Roger, his work 'likes' the page. The other day he messaged enquiring about a suit, another long story short, we ended up speaking on the phone and I asked if he was still interested in reading some of my writing, he said yes. I sent it to him Thursday, and he replied today with something along these lines... 


"Holy shit! Very impressed, very impressed. I even gave the piece to my "reader" and she too had great feedback."


It's unbelievable. He said it reminded him of Sargeson, Mansfield and Hulme. 


I'm on cloud 9. I am buzzing, inspired and excited. 
I'm going to start writing.

#54 Reflecting on 2011

At the end of every year, I like to reflect on the year passed and figure out what I learnt, the mistakes I made, the successes, and if in general it was enjoyable (and if not, why).

Rereading my post Tall Poppies, I did work at my career and have moved forward in it. I worked extremely hard, sacrificed time with friends and sleep, too much looking back now. I don't really regret it, as it's given me choices, but I do wish I spent more time with the people who mean a lot to me.

I said I was going to work hard at my writing. Unfortunately I didn't do any writing apart from this blog. I do regret that. The longer you don't write, the harder it is to get back into it. If only it was as easy as 'getting back on the bike'.

I also said I was going to work hard at my relationship with the Father. But alas, that also didn't happen, and a huge regret there.

Do I think last year was a failure? No. I learnt so much last year about myself, was pushed so far beyond anything I have ever experienced before - I'm talking about my work, but that seeps into so many aspects of your character. I have changed and grown up so much in the last year and you can't regret that. I understand more about God (I think, time will tell), and I know now what I am capable of. Dare I say, I think if I really wanted to, I could accomplish my dreams. Just have to keep trucking forward.

So again no, I'm not making new years resolutions this year. I have desires this year and I feel I should share them here so next year I can do some reflection. The main ones are:

- Do some bloody writing
- Work on my relationship with the Father
- Join an agency, finish my acting course, and get some work
- Change something about my job
- Spend more time with my friends
- Save for an adventure

Are you determined in what you want to accomplish? Let's be determined together.

#53 Live like we're dying

I'm back to work this week after having a week off. Boy did I need a break - and it was amazing. I headed North on my lonesome, and had the best time I've had in a long time. I was very lucky as the weather was amazing, I read, swam, lay on the beach and slept. When I come to think of it, I haven't had a break like that for 3 years.

I went sailing. Those 3 words may not mean that much to you but I've wanted to go sailing ever since I saw the film 'White Squall', and that was over a decade ago. I have a thing for open spaces, I love sitting on hills, being on a boat and looking at a huge expanse of nothing, looking out the window of an airplane and seeing nothing by sky. It moves me. So being on a sail boat was extremely special for me, I got to sit on the wooden pole that hangs over the sea at the front of the boat (have no idea the proper name), ocean below my dangling feet, wind in my hair, slowly moving across the bay. If I had to sit there for the rest of my life I wouldn't complain.

It got me thinking... there is so much I want to do, and no reason why I can't do it. I'm scared of getting stuck. Countless people get stuck, and I can't, I won't. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself I won't. I know if I did, it would be a slow death, not physically of course, I mean my heart.

There is so much I want to do. They are dreams and aspirations, and I know I have to be realistic, but why can't I do them all? And I think it's time I started on those things. Maybe I have, only hindsight will tell. I don't take things like this for granted, I know not everyone can go off and do what they want for many many reasons. But for me, at this time in my life, I have nothing holding me back. It's time I started preparing myself for an adventure. Maybe it's post holiday excitement talking, but I don't think so. Something inside me changed when I was away and it's here to stay. I had this feeling when I decided to move up here, and it's a similar feeling.

I did the Myers Briggs personality test the other week, turns out I'm 'The Idealist'. It was bang on and very very helpful.

So the plan is to stay here for another year, save money, finish my acting course and leave New Zealand.

Life really is too short. I know I sound like I'm trying to live out the cliched 'American Dream'. I'm not I assure you, I know enough about it to know it's unattainable. I'm just trying to live.

Happy New Year!

- The Idealist.

#52 Rush

Had a great workshop tonight at my acting course. It was such a rush. It makes me realise acting is what gets my juices flowing, it scares me, it excites me. It really is what I want to do. I know there won't always be moments when a scene is like that, but boy when it is... exhilarating. It wasn't an intense scene, as in crying and screaming... just a good scene.

Oh Meisner you are a genius!

#51 I can't get no...

This week has been one of 'those' weeks. I've had many many moments of wanting to strangle people, quit what I'm doing and go overseas. It wasn't so much FML moments, more FTW moments. I'm glad to say I don't feel like that right now - which is good. What do you do when nothing makes you feel better? I felt so trapped in my life this week, nothing could make it better. All I wanted to do was sleep. I need to be creative, I currently do nothing creative. Go to work, eat dinner, sleep, go to work. It's so bloody mundane. The 9 to 5 is complete shit. And it's been more 9am to 10pm in the last few weeks. I know I am a spoilt adult with all the luxuries the western world provides - and I am completely unsatisfied. 

I have no time to sit, think and reflect, which is something I must do or else it starts to build up, and this week has been proof. I nearly threw it all away. 

It's funny knowing God. Once you have met Him, experienced His love, heard Him speak - there is just no turning back. I will admit I have spent jack all time with Him recently, and it has not been the time of my life. I know He is the be all, end all. He really is. Yet I shy away from Him... mostly in shame and unworthiness if I'm going to be honest. 

Something I have realised this week. I am a creative being that needs to be doing just that. Working for the man sucks the life out of you. I've had echoes this week of that verse I've heard so much throughout my life, "what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?" I have definitely been hurting my soul and I am feeling it now. 

I need to do something about it, about all of it. It's time to wake up. 

#50 Shame again

On the way home today, I did a dance move in the car and realised these teenagers two lanes across from me saw it. They laughed and stared at me the whole way home. Luckily the windows were up and they couldn't hear what I was listening to - almost unbearable to even think about. Probably the most embarrassed I have been in a long time...


Please God don't let them come into work.

#49 Thanks a lot Woody

I watched 'Vicky Christina Barcelona' recently and it got me thinking about relationships. I know 'Christina' the character, I know what it feels like to be constantly searching and never satisfied. And then I'm familiar with Vicky's character too. Experiencing something that makes you question the things you thought you always wanted. It's an interesting premise, and a disturbing one. I guess that's what makes it a good film - the fact I'm still thinking about it. I kind of wish I never saw it. Because now I'm thinking am I always going to be dissatisfied? Constantly wanting the unobtainable?

I will admit I always think the grass is greener, that maybe over that hill things will be better. I think that is also a good thing - it means there is always hope. I know that things can be better and will get better. I guess there needs to be a balance, as the saying goes 'you don't know what you've got till it's gone'. It's all cliches and stereotypes, and it's all true. How frustrating! Everything has been thought and felt before!

Well, what do they say? What is their advice? I know I'm going to forget about this movie, and these feelings it has provoked. Maybe the sooner the better? I hate not having answers. But deep down I know the answer starts and ends with the Father.

#48 Thank you

It has been a year since Abbotsford was birthed and it has been interesting. I started this 'blog' as a means of staying accountable to who I am and what I am about, and I think I have been true to my mission. I have written things I felt were true for me at the time, and now, not so true. But that was the whole point, journaling thoughts, feelings and truths.

I don't know if many even read Abbotsford, but for those who do, I would like to say thank you. I hope you have found it in some way encouraging - even if some posts were depressing. I enjoy sharing and being honest and I hope you have been encouraged that maybe 'you're not the only one'.

Take care whoever you are. Life can be hard, but in some way, we're all in this together.

We are all in this together.

- L

#47 Christian hipsters

What's up? Too concerned with being cool, not so concerned with being dicks. Always have to know the latest fad, always have to follow it. Nothing original, nothing new. Just the same paper thin opinions that is motivated by extreme low self esteem. Lots of information, no action. Lots of talk, no action. Always cliquey, always shallow. Always about intellect, not love. The world shows more love, understanding and support. You try so hard not to be a cliche Christian but you end up being just like everyone else. I'm not interested. Never was and never will be. It's not what the Father's about. Wake up. Grow up.

#46 Ghosts

Regret is an awful thing. I can't stand the feeling. I have several regrets so far, but you just have to move on. Otherwise they can be paralysing.

It is the anniversary of one of my regrets. It's only just hit me a couple of days ago and I've been thinking about it ever since. Ten years ago... around this time of year... I can't believe it's been ten years. I really can't. I would do anything to go back and fix what I did. To change my behaviour, to take back my actions and the stupid things I said. These last few days I have felt melancholic, still mourning after all these years...

Surely I'm not the only one who has felt like this. Tell me there are others out there...

#45 Frustration station

What do you do when what you're doing is not what you want to do anymore?

I'm in a really strange space at the moment. The things I really cared about I don't really care about anymore. I just don't care anymore, and I don't know what to do. I look around my room, think about my life and go "What the hell am I doing? Who are you?" I haven't lost myself, I just don't have any time to think and do the things that really matter to me. My room is a mess and I feel like a mess.

I miss spending time with the Father (aka God). He is the only certain thing I know. I'm just ready to give up everything I have done up here. None of that crap really matters in the end. It's not as if I am going to bring my CV to Heaven, but I will be bringing myself, so I kind of want to like myself if you know what I mean.

I want to scream and run away, throw my hands in the air and drive. I am over it.
Since that is not even an option, I am going to have a massive clean of my room and chuck some of the junk away. Less is more. Maybe then I will be able to think, and stop thinking about the stuff that is getting me down.

I am so frustrated at the moment, something is nipping at my heels and I don't know why or what it is.

Time to vacuum.

#44 Flatlining

Day off today, and I have no energy to do anything. The curtains are open though, and I have gone outside. I guess that is progress. Nearly had a break down yesterday morning, it's difficult getting back to normalcy.

This is a bit of a nothing post, but I thought if I'm not talking much (unless it's about work), writing is a good replacement. Even when I do talk I sound like an idiot. My sentences aren't coming out properly. The lack of sleep doesn't help, I can't seem to get to sleep before 1am, last night it was 2.30am.

There was an old lady waiting at a pedestrian crossing yesterday, I didn't stop for her, I couldn't.

I know everyones reaction to death is different. This one for me... well, I'm not sure what's going on.

I am a Richter Scale, that's currently flatlining.

#43 Open spaces

Nana died on the 3^rd of June 2011. It has not been easy. It hasn’t felt real and when it does it is almost too hard to bear. She’s not the first person I know who has died, but that doesn’t make it any easier. How you do carry on? What are you supposed to do? How do you deal with it? You carry on because you really have no choice. You do what you are supposed to do, and for me, that is work. How do you deal with it? I really don’t know at this stage. When my friend committed suicide years ago, a close friend of mine took me under his wing and looked after me. He took me out for coffee, movies, and forced me to be around people. I visited his grave a lot, cried a lot, and was basically a zombie for a good while. I did what I had to do to get through it. But I am a lot older now and some of those things I did I don’t really want to do again – it would be more destructive than anything.

I am currently on the plane back home; it’s 8:30pm and dark. We had to board through the entrance at the back of the plane and to get there you have to walk across the runway. The open space of the runway looked so peaceful - a big open space with nothing for miles. I just wanted to stare at it.

I don’t want walls, I don’t want electricity, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want clutter, I don’t want people, I don’t want the chores of life, I don’t really want to do anything. I just want a vast open space where nothing happens, where there is just land and sky.

When I think about it, I just want heaven.

I miss you Nana. You will always be missed and in our memories. You are one of the kindest, selfless, gracious, beautiful, most generous people I know. It truly has been a privilege having you in my life.

"The Lord is my Shepherd and I want to follow,

wherever he leads me, wherever He goes.

Over the mountains, the waters and byways,

valleys and highways, He’s waiting for me.

I want to go to meet Him there,

to lay myself down in His arms.

The Lord is my Shepherd, and I want to follow,

wherever he leads me, wherever He goes."

#42 Who are you?

I was talking with an old friend the other day and we were discussing a girl we used to go to high school with. She was a real character, one day she was this alternative goth, the next she was the Christian girl next door - it was really interesting. Apart from her constant erratic behaviour she was quite cool. So my friend had recently bumped into her and it turns out she's finally been diagnosed with a personality disorder... of course.

I have just started doing a part time actor's course - I am learning the Meisner technique. It is amazing, life changing and damn hard. We had quite an intense lesson last week and I was struggling to work through what had happened. Actually it was the practice with 3 other class members I found intense. We were saying things to each other I would never say to anyone - negative, funny, rude, harsh things. Example, "You are going to die alone." I left the practice with a very hot face, void of any thought. The next day I was in the foulest mood trying to process what had happened.

Can you be the same person all the time? I am not talking about having different personalities around different people - 'cos we all know how annoying that is. I am talking about creating boundaries, protecting one of the most precious things we have - our hearts.

I can't go into acting class and be completely me, or else I will have to start taking anti anxiety pills. I can't be completely me when I am at work. I can't bring my baggage to work and I can't manage staff and run a business when I am being who I am at home. My counselor says you have to cultivate a 'work' you, and an 'actor's class' you. They will always be 'you', but a different 'you'. If you don't have different 'you's', you will become a wreck, taking things too personally, getting too involved, wearing yourself out, and not being the best you can be. I think it is wise advice.

'Work' me is very different to 'home' me. 'Work' me is serious, organised, 'get the job done' attitude, as opposed to 'home' me who is lazy, relaxed, messy. But that is why I am good at my job (well I hope so) - boundaries. It's all about the boundaries.

I think that is why I left the practice so shocked. And it was shocking! I'm not going to deny that, doesn't mean it needs to dictate my life outside class. I hadn't created any boundaries, I was taking what had happened and what was said home with me, when I should have left it in the practice. If you want to become a chef and your teacher says to you, "You are the shittest cook I have ever seen", it doesn't mean you are a bad person, husband, or friend (even though it may feel like that). It just means you can't cook. So many actor's believe acting is who they are and that is a huge mistake. That's why there are so many weird actors out there. Acting is a job, a hobbie, a love, a role. It is not who you are. You are never what you do. It reflects who you are and what you love, but it doesn't define who you are. We are many things - we need to remember that.

I don't know if any of this has made sense. I am still trying to process it all, but thought it was time I shared something personal with you all.

My teacher says "who are you when you are by yourself is the real you". Something to think about...

#41 Ist

per·fec·tion·ist

[per-fek-shuh-nist] 
–noun
1. a person who is displeased by anything that does not meet very high standards

mas·och·ism

[mas-uh-kiz-uh-m] 
–noun
1. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.



If you are a masochistic perfectionist - I think you're screwed. You're never going to be perfect, so then you become an emotional self harmer. 


I think I am a masochistic perfectionist. And the more I write in this blog I wonder if I am a narcissistic masochistic perfectionist.


Winter is coming...

#40 No words

I'm in Christchurch at the moment. I have no words to explain what it feels like. 


Christchurch was hit by an earthquake last Tuesday. 6.3 doesn't seem that big but it was 10km from the city and 5km deep. Basically it has wrecked destruction in the CBD and eastern suburbs. People are homeless, people have died. There are no words. I feel redundant even writing about it as there have been endless news reports on the internet and television and I am no journalist (an aftershock just hit as I was writing this). Everyone has their stories, everyone has been affected, everyone is anxious and on edge. 


It's been really hard being away, really really hard. Seeing all the news broadcasts, all the horrendous articles on Stuff and not being able to be with all the people who you love so much has been extremely difficult. It's hard to carry on at work and not be able to hold them and tell them how much you love them. I haven't wanted to hang out with anyone who isn't from Christchurch because it is hard for them to understand. Everything you grew up seeing, your past, all the memories have changed forever. It's hard to digest - and then put everyone you have ever known for the past 20 years amongst it and it is almost too much. But now I'm here it is even harder. I don't feel like talking to these people who I love so much when I see them because ... because I have no words... I just want to be near them. I don't want to talk about my job, or my flat, or my life in Auckland, because who fucking cares. They nearly died and I couldn't be there for them or help them in this terrible terrible time. And the realisation that I can't be there for them at all (because I leave on Monday) sinks in every time I finish catching up with someone. People matter and my friends and family mean everything to me. The stink thing is I won't get a chance to catch up with everyone I want to. It doesn't feel fair to catch up a few and not see the rest - but I guess that is the reality of this situation. 


To my amazing friends, the words that burn inside me that I find so difficult to say in person is this:


"I am sorry I can't be here to support you and help you. You mean the world to me. I am sorry some of you have lost things that mean so much to you, I really do feel for you. I am so grateful you are ok because I wouldn't know what to do with myself if you were hurt or worse. We need you, I need you. Even though we may not have contact for months you need to know that you are extremely significant in my world. So please be safe. I love you heaps... I really do."

#39 Shame

I have a confession... I joined Twitter. 


If we were to have this conversation in person, it would go something like this...

Me: "I have something I need to tell you."

You: "What?"

Me: "You can't mock me for this ok?"

You: "I won't."

Me: (Spoken really really fast) "I joined Twitter the other day so I can get updates on a celebrity!!!"

But seriously, who does that? Am I a freak? I have to be honest, I get excited when I get notifications of a new tweet. I never thought I would join Twitter, it's so strange to see updates of people who are so far removed from you. 

I know I know, I've degraded myself as a person, I've stooped a new low, I've shamed myself and my family. I've lost all respect from my peers, I've probably been crossed off my father's will... wait... I think there's a new tweet... brb

#38 The great wall of Leeroy

It's interesting when certain things come up at the same time and it seems to be the message for the week (whether you believe in God or some higher source or just fate or the 'gods'). Sometimes it seems like 'they' are trying to tell you something, or reveal something that you need to know. 


This week it seems 'they' are telling me it's time to let my guard down. "You're walls have been up for too long and you are going to make your fear of being alone a reality". It was something my counselor said to me last night and something a friend said to me today - and I feel it too. I feel that it is time to start taking down my walls. Otherwise I will be alone and I will be that island that I never wanted to be, and lets be honest, we aren't getting any younger. 


Here's a little list I need to remind myself:


- not everyone is an asshole
- not everyone is out to ruin me
- not everyone hates me
- not everyone thinks I am a failure
- not everyone views me the way I view myself


These thoughts come from past traumas and wrong childhood conclusions. A wise man I know says 'children are excellent recorders, but terrible interpreters' - he is spot on. It's like every trauma or wrong childhood conclusion is a brick, or sometimes they are many bricks, that will make a barricade for protection. Only truth can take a brick down, otherwise you will keep building that wall. And let me tell you, the Great Wall of Leeroy is so big and high, no one could ever break through.


I am so scared to trust people, to let my guard down and be vulnerable. It scares me so much. I can be confident, I can speak to a crowd, I could confront a stranger, I could sing and make a complete idiot of myself, I can be honest about my life and tell my testimony. But to let someone into my life and be a part of my life... well that is a whole different story. You see, when your walls are up you are weary of people, suspicious even - not all the time though. I don't want to sound like I am walking around in fear of everyone I see or ever talk to because that is not true - in fact I am great at talking to people on a surface level AND on a deeper level. I am currently trying to figure out how I am going to start taking these walls down, brick by brick. It's going to hurt too. Each brick is damn heavy and when the wind blows through the gap it doesn't feel very nice at all. If only I was the first pig, straw is so much easier to get rid of than brick. 


Fences are good, it deters thieves and weirdos and you can still see the sky. A brick box is not good, because you are the only one in there and there is never any sun. 

#37 Titillating no talk

Things unsaid can be so titillating. I'm not talking about things that annoy you or things you are upset about. I'm talking about things that would be slightly awkward to say. There are a couple of people I want to say things to, but because of certain situations ... I can't. 


To person number one I would like to say...


"I think you are great. I look forward to seeing you and when I don't, it's kind of gutting. I like your mannerisms, your quirks, your smile. I want hang out with you, I want to know more. If I could take away all the suffering you have endured I would. At the moment you are in my thoughts and I like the daydream. I know it's silly and nothing will ever come of it but I still like entertaining the idea. And when it stops being entertaining that will be ok too. But in the meantime if you could just instigate a reason to hang out that would really make my week." 


To person number 2 I would say...


"I wish you were here so we could see each other more. So we could talk about this more, but it seems kind of pointless at this stage. I do think about you, but I try not to. I would love to hang out and see where it goes, because you do mean something to me even if I don't want to admit it. You can't deny our past and what it means to both of us. I've never really thought about it but it really does mean a lot to me. You mean a lot to me. Love is a strange thing, and I'm not sure what kind of love it is. I hope you are happy, that's the most important thing to me." 


These two little speeches have recently been floating around in my head. Maybe I should just shut them up... but as I said, I find it titillating. It doesn't happen very often but sometimes the light headed feeling is worth the daydream.


It's probably time to click my heels three times now...