#56 Another Saturday night

I'm going to be completely honest in this post, not that I haven't been in past ones, just a bit more than usual.

Sam Cooke sings this song called 'Another Saturday Night', Cat Stevens did a cover of it. The lyrics go like this...

'Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody.
I got some money 'cos I just got paid,
and how I wish I had someone to talk to
I'm in an awful way.'

I joke to myself it's my theme song, because lately, Saturday nights I have been by myself, with no one to talk to. I know, where are the violins? But it's true, this is a bit of sad sack post I admit. But I'm feeling like a sad sack, and to be honest, Facebook is to blame. If I hadn't seen one of my besties posts this evening I wouldn't be feeling like a dick. He just posted this picture of him and his friends eating a meal together with the caption 'Having dinner with the gang etc'... clearly I wasn't in it as I'm at home alone blogging like a loner. Was just a bit of a slap in the face. I know there was no intention to do so, but still, feels like a bit of a blow. I will admit a lot of the time I feel like I have no friends.

It's hard to make friends as you get older. I'm 28 this year and the older I get, the harder it gets. Unless of course you are a boozer and you can just go out and get drunk with your work mates - which I'm not. I'm not one for shallow friendships, I like a bit of depth. And I will admit I don't really make an effort... not because I don't want to... my job is really full on and I get so tired and peopled out. Excuses excuses...

I really hate Facebook. It's not real. You can edit your life, which isn't real. You only load good pictures of yourself, good pictures of your holiday and life etc. People never post the bad stuff. Many times I've flicked through peoples overseas photos and thought, 'shit, my life sucks'. You never see them load pics of their credit card declining, the lack of money, job, break ups, friends etc. I could go deeper in this but I'm starting to bore myself.

Anyway, tonight I am feeling pretty lonely, like a loser with no friends. I think people look at me and my life and think it's pretty awesome. It's not, it's pretty normal, I'm pretty normal. I would like an invite to dinner now and then...

#55 Cloud 9

Last year at work I met a really nice customer and we started chatting about his job, and it turned out he was the head of an independent publishing house in Sydney. I told him I did a bit of writing etc etc. Long story short, he said I was welcome to send some of my writing and he would give me some feedback - that in itself is huge and flattering. To be honest I didn't think much would come of it (deep down all aspiring writers don't have a lot of hope any of their work will actually get published, that's why we blog) and of course I lost his business card. 


I do the admin for my work Facebook page, and the man, let's call him Roger, his work 'likes' the page. The other day he messaged enquiring about a suit, another long story short, we ended up speaking on the phone and I asked if he was still interested in reading some of my writing, he said yes. I sent it to him Thursday, and he replied today with something along these lines... 


"Holy shit! Very impressed, very impressed. I even gave the piece to my "reader" and she too had great feedback."


It's unbelievable. He said it reminded him of Sargeson, Mansfield and Hulme. 


I'm on cloud 9. I am buzzing, inspired and excited. 
I'm going to start writing.

#54 Reflecting on 2011

At the end of every year, I like to reflect on the year passed and figure out what I learnt, the mistakes I made, the successes, and if in general it was enjoyable (and if not, why).

Rereading my post Tall Poppies, I did work at my career and have moved forward in it. I worked extremely hard, sacrificed time with friends and sleep, too much looking back now. I don't really regret it, as it's given me choices, but I do wish I spent more time with the people who mean a lot to me.

I said I was going to work hard at my writing. Unfortunately I didn't do any writing apart from this blog. I do regret that. The longer you don't write, the harder it is to get back into it. If only it was as easy as 'getting back on the bike'.

I also said I was going to work hard at my relationship with the Father. But alas, that also didn't happen, and a huge regret there.

Do I think last year was a failure? No. I learnt so much last year about myself, was pushed so far beyond anything I have ever experienced before - I'm talking about my work, but that seeps into so many aspects of your character. I have changed and grown up so much in the last year and you can't regret that. I understand more about God (I think, time will tell), and I know now what I am capable of. Dare I say, I think if I really wanted to, I could accomplish my dreams. Just have to keep trucking forward.

So again no, I'm not making new years resolutions this year. I have desires this year and I feel I should share them here so next year I can do some reflection. The main ones are:

- Do some bloody writing
- Work on my relationship with the Father
- Join an agency, finish my acting course, and get some work
- Change something about my job
- Spend more time with my friends
- Save for an adventure

Are you determined in what you want to accomplish? Let's be determined together.

#53 Live like we're dying

I'm back to work this week after having a week off. Boy did I need a break - and it was amazing. I headed North on my lonesome, and had the best time I've had in a long time. I was very lucky as the weather was amazing, I read, swam, lay on the beach and slept. When I come to think of it, I haven't had a break like that for 3 years.

I went sailing. Those 3 words may not mean that much to you but I've wanted to go sailing ever since I saw the film 'White Squall', and that was over a decade ago. I have a thing for open spaces, I love sitting on hills, being on a boat and looking at a huge expanse of nothing, looking out the window of an airplane and seeing nothing by sky. It moves me. So being on a sail boat was extremely special for me, I got to sit on the wooden pole that hangs over the sea at the front of the boat (have no idea the proper name), ocean below my dangling feet, wind in my hair, slowly moving across the bay. If I had to sit there for the rest of my life I wouldn't complain.

It got me thinking... there is so much I want to do, and no reason why I can't do it. I'm scared of getting stuck. Countless people get stuck, and I can't, I won't. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself I won't. I know if I did, it would be a slow death, not physically of course, I mean my heart.

There is so much I want to do. They are dreams and aspirations, and I know I have to be realistic, but why can't I do them all? And I think it's time I started on those things. Maybe I have, only hindsight will tell. I don't take things like this for granted, I know not everyone can go off and do what they want for many many reasons. But for me, at this time in my life, I have nothing holding me back. It's time I started preparing myself for an adventure. Maybe it's post holiday excitement talking, but I don't think so. Something inside me changed when I was away and it's here to stay. I had this feeling when I decided to move up here, and it's a similar feeling.

I did the Myers Briggs personality test the other week, turns out I'm 'The Idealist'. It was bang on and very very helpful.

So the plan is to stay here for another year, save money, finish my acting course and leave New Zealand.

Life really is too short. I know I sound like I'm trying to live out the cliched 'American Dream'. I'm not I assure you, I know enough about it to know it's unattainable. I'm just trying to live.

Happy New Year!

- The Idealist.

#52 Rush

Had a great workshop tonight at my acting course. It was such a rush. It makes me realise acting is what gets my juices flowing, it scares me, it excites me. It really is what I want to do. I know there won't always be moments when a scene is like that, but boy when it is... exhilarating. It wasn't an intense scene, as in crying and screaming... just a good scene.

Oh Meisner you are a genius!